Perspective Change

Perspective is an interesting thing. When your perspective is in line with your personal values and core belief systems, a sense of inner peace is typically the result. Recently, I have felt pretty off. I think part of it has to do with all of the things that I would consider not right with my life. I spend every day doing things that I do not enjoy (i.e. being sick for FOREVER, writing a thesis, grading papers, feeling guilty for doing anything but the above listed, etc.) and that becomes my focus. During this time, my scripture reading has lacked personal meaning, and even my ability to be real with myself has changed. It is like I try to tell myself that everything is good, when in fact, it is ok for it not to be perfect. Here is where the change begins. This morning, I was feeling particularly grumpy. Kyle and I spent the weekend avoiding anything painful (homework, work, thesis, etc.) and then feeling guilty for just enjoying being together. I was overcome with guilt because yesterday, I still did not feel like I had even come close to catching up on all of the life details that have slipped by in recent weeks. I fell asleep last night (without washing my face, taking my contacts out, brushing my teeth, undressing, etc.) for probably the fourth time in a week and consequently had a really rough night. I woke up consistently and fought the knowledge that in order to sleep well, I would need to get up and do these things. Finally, I succumbed (around 1:30 am) and then found that I still was not sleeping well. This was the perfect recipe for a grumpy Alli this morning. I heard Kyle sneak into the shower trying not to wake me and I found myself trapped in a very coherent bout of negative self talk. I wanted to just roll back over and sleep for ages, but there was one thing that consistently bothered me. A BIRD. There was a bird outside my window chirping joyfully and keeping me very much awake. What was a bird doing at my window in late February when there is still snow on the ground? I have no idea, but it made me realize something. Even in the cold rainy day that we are having, this bird CHOSE to be happy. He was not worried about thesis deadlines and admitting to professors that he was far behind his goal. He was not worried about grading boring papers and having them submitted on time. He was not focused on the demands of clients and cleaning house and checking off lists. This bird sang because he loved to sing. I got up this morning with a new resolve to shake off this funk. Spending time with your friends, family, and spouse are things to be celebrating, not feeling guilty for. I remember in my BYU days making soup and cinnamon rolls with my roommates and celebrating the fact that the cold weather was dragging on and we could still warm ourselves with these simple pleasures. Perspective. It is truly all about how we view things and what lens we decide to look through that day. Today, I am going to grade papers and then go to work with joy. I will try to clean one small part of my little apartment and put away the laundry I did yesterday. I will tell my husband how grateful I am for him and his efforts and I will call a friend and let them know that I care. I will hear the birds outside and be grateful that they have chosen to sing even on a wet and dreary morning. And I will eat one of the cinnamon rolls we made on Sunday and remember the small pleasures of life. Hooray for perspective changes and blog entries that are the real expressions of my heart!